• feb 19th 2012

Ed ecco il racconto di Mark …

I know we did a lot of swimming, eating and sailing but have forgotten some details. This is what I remembered happed:

Aaaaaargh me hearties!
It was a dark and stormy night in New Zealand when I, Captain Mark of the good ship Milky Englishman heard the terrible plight of the people of the Caribbean. At first I was not interested but then someone mentioned Virgins. “Virgins?” I said. “Virgins!” they said. Are you sure you mean “Virgins?” I said. “Yep, Virgins!” they said. “Not boy Virgins?” I continued, furrowing my brow. “No, lady Virgins!” they said. “And they are not Virgins because they are ugly?” says I. “No,” said they. By this stage they looked a little annoyed with me.
“Virgins?” I said.
“YES” they said. “They are beautiful, young (but not too young), Virgins who live on the Virgin Islands. That is why they are called the Virgin Islands. It seems that Virgins were dying out in the USA and UK and so they were allowed to flee to some of the most beautiful islands in the world to live out their virtuous lives. But only if they remained, well, Virgins…” they continued, trying to cover all the bases.
“Aaargh” I said.
“Aaargh” they said.
But it seemed that bad pirates were capturing all of the Virgins from the islands and planned to sell them in a Kasbah in Iraq/Iran/Syria/Belgium* (whichever is this years official enemy). The told me that the pirates sail a terrible 5 masted ship, its sails showing a ghostly glow as it slips past in the depths of the night.

I was a good pirate as I was an English pirate and I could not allow this! If for no other reason, it would be very difficult to rename the islands!. ‘The British non-Virgin islands’ doesn’t have the same ring to it (and could easily be confused for all other British territories).

I immediately set sail with my crew and headed for the Caribbean. 30 Minutes later we realised how far the Caribbean was and I ended up getting on a plane without them.

Upon my arrival in the derelict bilge-sucking, hell hole that is St Thomas, in the US Virgin Islands, I headed for the nearest bar and found myself two of the toughest, roughest crew members I could find. First officer Silvia and Carlo. Carlo hadn’t sailed much but he liked seamen and that sort of enthusiasm was good enough for me. Not only did Silvia and Carlo know the islands, but they had a boat, the good ship Nausicaa!

Just as we were about to leave the bar, we heard a strange noise. Step, thump, step, thump, step, thump, (you get the idea), step, thump. A one legged stranger with a wooden leg approached us. “Join me” he said, waving some money around. Now, we are not cheap, but boat adventures are expensive and anyway, when someone offers to by Silvia a drink, it can prove to be very hard to stop her. The stranger told us many tales of the islands as he ordered more and more Mai Tai’s. I was suspicious that he was trying to get us drunk as he didn’t really seem to be going anywhere with his tales. But this was not a worry to me! I am an Englishman and so well used to binge drinking. It’s something I majored in at university. Silvia and Carlo both seemed to be doing very well too. Pah! This one legged pirate didn’t have a chance of getting us drunk.

Or so I thought.

When I returned from the head, I took another sip of my drink and BAM! I was almost on the floor. He had drugged me! I had heard of sailors like him, naughty sailors who try to become romantically connected to men they meet. “Well I’ll be buggered if I am going to allow that to happen!” I thought. But the world was spinning and I couldn’t talk to the others to warn them. Then Silvia fell off her stool. I assumed this was because she had been drugged too! It can be hard to tell.

The last thing I remembered was some shouting and then the darkness…

When I woke up, I was in the luxurious aft cabin of the Nausicaa, alone and fully dressed, whew! I struggled out of bed to find Seaman Carlo cooking breakfast AND sailing the ship to the open sea at the same time. He was obviously a crew member with many talents! Silvia rolled out of her bunk and we found that neither of us could remember anything from when our drinks were drugged. Unlike us, Carlo was a man of very high morals and he had not let any of the ‘demon drink’ pass his lips. He was sober all night and was able to rescue us when we collapsed. He fought the one legged man and stole his leg, using it to beat him and the 5 henchmen that appeared! Carlo then carried us away, one on each shoulder. Carlo, a tiny but powerful man!

We finished breakfast and went up top. Carlo had casually thrown the wooden leg onto the deck where it rolled around. I picked it up and to my surprise, the top had a carving of the 5 masted ship on it! This man was the pirate that was stealing the virgins! I examined the leg more closely and found that the top unscrewed. Inside the leg was a map! It had mysterious directions on it but was obviously a clue to where the pirates were keeping the virgins. I showed Carlo and Silvia.

The first clue was to go to ‘the falling sea’. We were confused at first but then Silvia remembered an old wives tale of an area of sea where the water had so *little* salt, that you can’t float in it at all, you just fall. It was like the opposite of the Dead Sea. Weird. We set sail for it immediately!

Upon arrival I drew the short straw, er, I volunteered (as the bravest) and leapt overboard. Carlo threw a rope in and I fell to the ocean floor

When I got to the bottom, I walked around for a bit, looking under rocks, kicking the sand and then I saw it! There was a strange black rock lying on the ocean floor. It had no right to be there! When I examined it I realised it was carved and so I tied it to the rope and pulled myself back to the boat, 100 meters above.

When we pulled the rock up, we could see that the carving told us to find the ‘rock with two chains’ and had a little map to a nearby island. We set sail immediately (especially as we weren’t quite sure how the boat was still floating on this weird sea).

This time it was Carlo who dived in. He quickly found the rock

and using his super human strength, lifted it up to find a trap door below. He pulled on the chains and the door opened. Truly he is the Italian Samson! Below the door was a bottle with a note in it. He brought it up and we opened it. Silvia was excited when she saw the bottle but sad when she realised it did not contain rum.

The note said ‘Be an Angel, follow your Heart and you’ll be a Star!’ These notes were getting stranger. Silvia’s local knowledge helped us again! The reef where all the Angle fish hang out was just a few hours away, in the British Virgin Islands! Naturally even pirates need to go through Customs and the Customs officers were very typical. They were big, scary and the nicest people you could ever hope to meet in the world. They all deserve pay raises.

After this brush with the law, we carried on to the reef. This time Silvia went in, not really knowing what to look for. The angel fish were there alright

but there was no obvious clue. Suddenly she saw something in the distance! Swimming closer, she found her heart!

By it, there was a starfish

It seemed to be waiting there, just for her. When she looked at it, it winked at her, lifted a leg / arm / thing and beckoned her to follow. It then set off at great speed across the sand. Left and right it went, back and forth, it was leading her on a merry dance. But its movements were so random, Silvia couldn’t tell if it was just teasing her or trying to tell her something. Then it stopped. It looked at her as if the say ‘well there it is!’. Confused at first, Silvia realised what the starfish was trying to tell her. It had drawn a map in the sandy sea bed! Clever starfish!

Climbing back on board, Silvia took the helm and we set off into the sunset. Leaving her to sail the boat, I attempted to demoralise Carlo below decks with glasses of rum and glasses of Baileys and other drinks that us hardened, tough pirates drink. But nothing worked. His will was too strong so I gave up and retired to my cabin with a bottle of Ouzo he found.

The next day we were up at dawn. The sunrise was magnificent and we had an amazing breakfast as we anchored off the island that the starfish’s map had led us to. Jumping into the tender, whose name I have forgotten, but was something like Jacques, or Clive, we went to the island. As we explored for clues we found out that we had been beaten to it! The one legged man had been there before us!

He must have realised how smart we were and was worried we’d find out where the virgins were being hidden! I raced after him!

We followed his trail. On the way we found a previous adventurer’s body, buried up to his cap in the sand. Poor Bruce

At the end of the trail, we found a hole in the beach where something big used to rest. It must have been the final clue! The one legged man must have hidden it! We looked all around without success. Carlo headed into the treacherous water with nought but a mask, fins and very small speedos.

We continued the search on the island until a triumphant Carlo burst from the water like an excited Dolphin! He had found the map!

He rushed us to the boat as the map had also carried a warning that ‘brain coral may form boulders up to 8 ft in diameter’. Now no one wants to mess with super intelligent coral especially if it is angry. We heeded the warning and got the hell out of there.

We sailed to our final destination and crept in to the cove that Carlo had seen on the map under cover of darkness. There it was… the 5 masted ship…

So we rescued the virgins, sank the ship and treated Carlo to many coconuts whilst Silvia and I drank rum! The virgins were very happy to be free and invited us to stay on the island. Only I qualified to live there but Silvia and Carlo have visitor visas to come and stay whenever they want!

Now I must sign off this adventure so I can continue to service the virgins. I mean be of service to the virgins…honest. Aaaaaaaarrrrgh!

3 Responses

  1. Anonymous scrive:

    Wow, this man seems mad. I hope you kicked him off the boat as soon as you could!

  2. Mara scrive:

    Siete in partenza?

  3. renata scrive:

    BUON VENTO !!!!!!!!!!!




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